1. Give away something other than candy. (breath mints, golf balls, Neil Diamond concert tickets, etc.)
2. Ask why they aren’t wearing a costume.
3. Fill a briefcase with paper. Slap a sticker on that says, "Top Secret". When trick-or-treaters ring the doorbell, open the door really fast and say, "It's about time you got here Number Six," then, give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Have them sign a waiver before giving them candy.
5. Get trick-or-treaters to come in and fix your dishwasher. Say it‘s making "whirring" sounds and leaking”.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a Richard Simons and say “Candy will only make you fat! Besides, who wants candy when we can Jazzersise!?” Commence Jazzersising. Encourage trick-or-treaters to join in by saying “Come on everybody!”
8. When you answer the door, get a handful of M&M‘s, pretend your angry, throw them on the ground, and shout, "Here‘s your candy!"
9. When you answer the door for kids dressed in “scary costumes” look at them as if you’re really scared, grab your chest, clutch the doorknob, let out a shriek, slam the door and pretend to call 911 on your cell phone while clutching a knife, looking around frightfully as you run around the house locking all the doors and windows.
10. When trick-or-treaters come to your door and say “trick-or-treat” respond, “Trick-or-treat? Hmm….that‘s a tough one. I’m gonna pick trick.” Then insist they do a magic trick for you. Tell them they are scammer’s when they explain you’re supposed to give them candy. Then insist you don’t accept solicitor’s and shut the door.
11. Hand out rotten Easter eggs from last year saying it’s the only thing you have to give away and they’ll eventually get used to the smell.
12. Get a catapult. Set it on your porch and lob pumpkins at anyone who comes near your house. Come out dressed like a hillbilly and yell “Get off mah property! No trespassin’!”
13. When trick-or-treaters ring the dorrbell, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can, yelling “It’s gonna blow! Save yourselves!” Or for a more dramatic effect wait in your garage with your car running, crash your car through the garage door and speed in reverse down the driveway yelling, “Oh no! They found me!” Speed off down the street.
14. Answer the door dressed as a Margaret Perrin. Promptly have a nervous break down when you see trick-or-treaters and shout, “You’re dark sided too! I don’t want any dark sided… anything anywhere near my house!! Get out of my house!” When the trick-o-treaters flee, stand in the doorway, look around at the Halloween festivities and yell at everyone “Slagon’s!…dragon’s!…everything's dark sided!!!”
15. Answer the door and say, “There you are. I was beginning to thinking you garbage men forgot today is pick up day,” commence emptying garbage into trick-or-treat bags.
16. Tell them their supposed to give you candy.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of Skittles and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Say, “Yeah, what is it?… Oh…uh oh.” Then slam the door and turn off the lights to pretend your not home. If they knock on the door, yell, “Go away nobody’s here!” while you scarf down candy. If they continue to knock on the door just eat faster.
18. Hand out Pepcid AC with your candy explaining the only candy you have is from 1987 and they may “need it later.”
19. Instead of playing scary sound effects play something a hundred times more frightful; Kenny G’s Greatest Hits.
20. Answer the door with a butler and say “Jeeves, release the hounds.” in an ominous tone.


Just to be fair to those who may still trick-o-treat here’s:

1. You and a friend dress up as agents from the Department of Homeland. Security when people answer the door say” I’m agent Smith and this is agent Burnett. We’d like to talk to you for a moment.”

2. When someone compliments you on your costume say “ Oh, this isn’t a costume.”

3. If you’re a parent taking your kids trick-o-treating and you encounter houses which are decorated to look haunted, tell your kids to “wait on the sidewalk” and tell them it’s too “dangerous to get the candy themselves.” Approach the house cautiously and when someone comes to the door and turns porch light on bound down the steps in terror and tell you child to “run for their life!”

4. When someone answers the door say “Oh… you moved into this old house…” When they ask “Yeah… why?” Just say, “oh nothing…”

5. Ask them is this “where the yard sale is and if so does the candy comes with the bowl too?”